Deployment Guide
For Families of Deploying Soldiers

Family Deployment Checklist | Your Finances | Handling Emergencies | Home Security
Family Readiness Groups | Separation | Reunion

 
SEPARATION AND REUNION HANDBOOK

Introduction
Expectations and Impact of Separation
Coping with Separation
Four Stages of Separation
Coping with Stress
"I didn't get married to live alone."

In no other profession is Family separation found so frequently as it is in the military service. These separations take many forms and no matter what form it takes, it creates a stressful, and at times, traumatic situation for all members of the Family unit.

Separation. The Soldier is deployed and communications with Family are minimal (usually by telephone or letters). The Family at home is growing. There are increased responsibilities assumed by the spouse, Family routines have changed, and children may have to accept more responsibilities.

• FAMILY DISRUPTIONS. The stress of separation can disrupt normal Family functions. This disruption often leads to troubled Soldiers and reduced mission effectiveness.

Reunion. It can take much effort for the Family members to get to know one another again. Reunion occurs the first few days after the Family is back together. Reunion is a period of happiness, celebrating, togetherness, sharing, courting, all the things it takes to get to know each other again and begin coming together as a Family unit. This occurs during the time before, of, and following the actual reunion.

• REUNION STRESS. Families need to prepare for some changes in the home when reunion occurs. The people themselves haven't changed, but coping skills have. Those changes will cause stress.

• Emotion and Behavior - There will be emotional and behavioral stages of separation, such as denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. These are difficult to accept and to go through; but, in order to bring about successful adjustment and emotional and spiritual health, we must deal with them.
• Reaction to Change - There will be unexpected - both negative and positive - information flow that, in turn, will cause Family members/Soldiers to react in various ways. Be ready to listen and answer all questions.
• Roles and Responsibilities - There will be changes in roles of individuals, as well as their responsibilities. Family members will pick up the responsibility for the role that the Soldier filled. Don't expect them to fill the role the same way! They aren't the same people.
• Economics - There will be an economic change because one Family member is now out of the home.
• Communication - Mission, resources, time, and distance all affect when and how often Family members communicate.

Feelings and Behaviors that Affect the Family's Adjustment to Parent Absence:   PRE-DEPLOYMENT
Any combination of these FEELINGS	Could lead to any of these BEHAVIORS
PARENTS:
Resentment Anger Guilt Frustration Anxiousness Sadness	Arguing to distance/to express anger Soldier withholds notice to deploy until last minute Lack of adequate preparation due to denial Emotional and physical withdrawal
PRESCHOOL CHILDREN:
Confusion Surprise Guilt during magical thinking period	Clinging Irritability Sadness Increase of attention-seeking behavior (+ and -)
ELEMENTARY CHILDREN:
Sadness Anger Separation anxiety Guilt during early latency May feel cause of parent's departure (even if discussed) Feels lonely before Soldier leaves	Behavior problems Regressive behaviors Angry outbursts mixed with clinging
ADOLESCENT CHILDREN:
Sadness Fear of parent's rejection Denial of feelings Anger	Aloofness, don't-care attitude (arguing as defense against closeness or expression of anger) Friends take on increased value

Deployments aren't the happiest of occasions. Separations for practically any length of time are hard on every Family member. Deployments are easier on Families if they prepare for it and know tricks for getting along during separation.

Write. Contrary to popular belief, in the case of separation, "No news can be BAD news." Write regularly and use the correct mailing address. Keep in mind that if your spouse is a long way from home, mail may be slow. To reduce your worries when you haven't heard from your spouse, contact the FRG to catch up on the news.

The actual address for your spouse may be a little different during different deployments. It is essential, however, that you always use your spouse's full name, rank, and unit. The Command will give specific mailing instructions during the pre-deployment briefing. Write the address down and keep it with the rest of your pre-deployment documents, and in a place where it is easily accessible. You should have written down your spouse's rank, name, UNIT, and POST.

Letters. Each child could write individual letters to the deployed parent, and the parent needs to answer those letters. Send schedules of ball games and special events so Mom/Dad can ask how the game or class event went. Mail is an important communication device; use it often and make it cheerful and newsy.

House Rules. Sit down as a Family and discuss house rules before a deployment. The children are more likely to remember the rules as "Family" or "house" rules rather that "Mom's" or "Dad's" rules. Maintain the same rules for the children; they need the stability of an unbroken routine.

Cassettes/Videos. Record cassettes or videos. Record bath times, dinner times, etc., and have the kids talk to their parent. Have Dad/Mom record some of the children's favorite stories before deployment. Later on, they can listen or read along with him/her.

Gifts. Buy or plan presents in advance for special days. Make arrangements with a close friend to deliver gifts on those special days. Sometimes it would be wise to buy a special gift to give to your children just prior to your departure - a "special" treasure from Daddy/Mommy.

Pictures. Make a picture book of the parent doing everyday things with the kids, like giving a bath, reading, taking a walk, playing ball, etc. Show the parent in uniform and where he/she works (if possible). If you don't own a camera, borrow a friend's or contact the photo craft shop for assistance.

Map. Acquire a world map; your children can follow Dad/Mom around the world. You can also obtain brochures from a travel agency.

Discipline. Deployment of a parent can be difficult for children. Often they are too young to understand why he/she has gone. They feel deserted. Parents left behind should maintain continuity of discipline as an important step to maintaining consistency. If a parent relaxes discipline while the spouse is gone, the children will soon learn to resent his/her return.

Special Times. Meals and bed items are important times for small children while parents are away. It may be a good time to talk about what they are going to say to Dad/Mom on the next tape or in their next letter.

"I Want My Daddy/Mommy!" One parent gave her child a picture of Daddy in plastic so she could carry it with her everywhere. The child then felt her Dad was with her all the time.

Teenagers. Include teenagers in preparations for pre-deployment, deployment, and post-deployment. One parent made his teens feel needed and secure by discussing with them areas in which they could help while Mom was away: shopping, preparing the grocery list, etc. Agree upon chores.

Emergency. In case of emergency, we tend to forget many important things. It's important to have telephone numbers of friends or your FRG representative for your children to call in case of an emergency, along with police, fire department, hospital, etc.

Talk About Feelings. Before leaving, parents should sit down with the Family and discuss what is happening. Talk about what will happen when they're gone and what will be different when they return. It is okay to admit you don't want the parent to go.

Emotions. We all get down in the dumps sometimes, but what do you do about it? One parent reported that, after the kids were in bed, she listened to music she and her spouse liked. Soon the tears came and she felt much better. She was able to release the pent-up emotions. There are times to cry with your children and times to cry by yourself.

Becoming aware of, and being in touch with, your feelings can give you an inside track as to how your children feel. If it's been two weeks since the last letter and you're feeling a bit blue or irritable, your children may be climbing the walls or withdrawing for the same reason. Talk about how you feel. It won't change the fact that there is no mail, but it may give you the extra patience you need.

Everyone will feel better knowing that it's okay to feel lonely, isolated, sad, or frustrated.

Don't Overload Your Children. It is imperative that you do not heap too much responsibility on your children, e.g., "It is now your job to take care of Mommy." Let your child be a child and YOU take care of Mommy. You can give them special tasks to do, but do not saddle a child with an adult job.

Everyone who faces separation goes through four basic stages. By becoming aware of these stages, we will be able to better cope. The departure-return cycle includes: Protest Against Loss or Departure, Despair, Detachment, and Return Adjustment.

PROTEST against your spouse's departure usually comes a week or two before they are due to leave. Spouses talk of feeling tense, selfish, unbelieving that he/she would actually leave, and guilty about not wanting their spouse to go. There is also frustration with the increased hours your spouse spends getting ready to deploy, your awareness of how many household chores and Family business must be handled before they go, and a bona fide physical and mental exhaustion for both spouses.

DESPAIR is the tearful period, which may come even before your spouse departs. Thoughts like "How will I ever live through this without him/her?" are common. There is also difficulty in sleeping due to general fear for one's safety. Even the usual noises in the house seem threatening. Remember that your children will be feeling the same way.

DETACHMENT is the level on which you live for most of the separation. It is a state of relative calm and confidence in handling day-to-day living. If a major crisis occurs, however, you may tend to revert to the states of Despair and Protest.

RETURN ADJUSTMENT is accompanied by awareness of the noises in the house. Many spouses experience an incredible emotional and physical frenzy getting every inch of the house and themselves ready for his/her arrival. The returning spouse arrives exhausted from the final days, eager to come home. The first days of unwinding bring long conversations to attempt to catch up. Finally, he/she spends lots of time sleeping. Also, be prepared for your spouse to spend a few days of "getting the equipment squared away" after he/she returns.

Being a military Family develops pride in serving one's country and provides many rich and new experiences. Pressures and frustrations often result from:

• Lengthy deployments.
• Family finances.
• Separation from Family and friends.
• Single parenting during your Soldier's absence.
• Constant adjustment to varying duty schedules.
• Frequent relocation.
• Career changes in retirement.

Children may try to take advantage of possible new freedoms. A stable home life is important for their psychological adjustment. Consistent rules, a consistent household schedule, and special time set aside for Families are important to minimizing the stress of a parent's absence.

Stress Management Tips

• GET UP EARLIER to allow yourself more time before starting the day's work.
• PRIORITIZE what is truly critical and pace yourself accordingly.
• Before you begin your work day, PAUSE to notice what kind of day it is.
• BE REALISTIC and kind to yourself when making your "to do" list.
• TAKE LUNCH OR BREAKS away from your work area, avoid eating quickly, and do not talk about work.
• Spend your LEISURE TIME with enthusiastic, upbeat friends. Since many of your friends will be in the same position as you. You should be enthusiastic and upbeat with them.
• During the day, REST quietly for five minutes or take a brief walk.
• SAY "NO" when you need to.
• ASK for help when you need it, whether it's time away from the children, a counseling session, or a vacation.
• FOCUS on immediate or short-term goals that are attainable.
• COLLECT APPRECIATION that is due. Accept praise and thank you's.
• TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF when you are down and out, play your favorite song, see a movie, give up on the housework for the evening etc.
• ANALYZE YOUR MOODS, energy, and time. Are you down at certain times of the day, week, or month? Plan and prepare.
• Use RELAXATION, meditation, music, religion, nature, or whatever to re-energize yourself.
• PAY ATTENTION to your diet, sleep, exercise, and general health.
• VOLUNTEER! Helping others is good medicine for soul and spirit to fill your empty days. Call the Red Cross or ACS for volunteer opportunities.
• SET A GOAL. Start the project you have been putting off. Begin a self-improvement program. Go back to school. Do something for yourself.
• INITIATE, don't wait for the phone to ring. Plan an outing or a special dinner, then call several friends to join you.
• TRAVEL. New scenery and change of pace, if only for a day or two, do wonders for the spirit. Plan on taking friends and making a day of it.
• GO TO WORK. A full or part time job can provide extra income as well as opportunities for interaction.
• JOIN a support group. Whether it be through the Family Readiness Group, your church/chapel/synagogue, or work, the support of friends makes the going easier.
• Take up a new HOBBY or return to the one you gave up.
• DON'T FEEL GUILTY about going out with friends and leaving your children with a sitter. That is the cheapest form of sanity check available.
• KEEP A JOURNAL of your thoughts and activities while your spouse is away to help catch up when the unit returns. Be sure to include pictures.

Click on this icon for more stress management resources.

How many times since learning of your spouse's deployment, have you thought these very words? There are many ways of dealing with military separations. One of the worst is to sit at home brooding at your situation. Yes, it is not fair and it is inevitable. Separation is a fact of military life and how you deal with it is up to you.

There are some things to keep in mind in order to deal with separation effectively. You may experience a wide range of emotions: feelings like fear, loneliness, anger, and even grief. These feelings may appear one at a time or in a jumble of emotions. The feelings may not appear at all, or may sneak up on you unexpectedly. If they do appear, remember that these feelings are normal and it's OK. Even when SUPERMOM down the street is in control, chances are she is going through the same thing, just reacting and handling the situation differently.

You must accept the separation. Your spouse is being deployed and nothing is going to change the fact. The sooner you learn to accept the situation, the sooner you can prepare for his/her leaving. Figure out in advance what to do with your time. Do you have any interest in learning a new craft, taking the time to finish that quilt, refinishing the table, learning to paint? Is there anything you want to do? Get involved by doing volunteer work (Army Community Service, American Red Cross, Youth Activities, etc.) Not only will this get you out of the house, but it will put you in contact with other adults and the needs of your community. For most volunteer work you undertake, child care is provided. When you've been in the house alone with the kids for several days, stress and tensions magnify and problems arise. You need to have contact with adults.

While it is important to take time out for yourself, this is a great opportunity to spend time with your children. Try to keep the day to day activities "routine," but plan special outings. Go on picnics, go to the beach or a movie, or plan special outings for "when Daddy/Mommy comes home."

Often, a birthday, anniversary, or another holiday will come during a deployment. One way to make it easier is to plan the celebration for a day before or after your spouse's return. Remember, it is not the day itself that is all-important, but the meaning and the sentiment the day represents. The memory and love that surrounds the day can and should be celebrated any day of the year.

Keeping lines of communication open is essential. You might be fortunate enough to have phone calls. If this is not possible, try keeping a "journal." At the end of the day, write down the highlights, any problems that may have occurred, and solutions to the problems. Try not to make this a grief sheet, but a daily account. Then send it off once a week. Also try sending tapes and pictures, especially if the children are small. Over long deployments, infants become toddlers, personalities develop, and the deployed parent often feels left out of the growing process. Pictures and tapes can't take the place of actually being there, but they are the second best solution.

While doing these things will not replace your spouse, it will help pass the time. Not only will the days go quicker, but you will have less time to feel your spouse's absence.

Family Deployment Checklist | Your Finances | Handling Emergencies | Home Security
Family Readiness Groups | Separation | Reunion